Taking it all in.

The moment I walked into my house I had this really strange feeling.  This really weird heaviness.  I walked down to my room put my stuff on the floor and broke down in tears.  I felt so lonely; even more lonely than being a solo traveler.  It was this feeling of complete aloneness that was heavy like a wet blanket.  I felt like coming home was a bad decision, that I didn't think it through long enough, that maybe I should've waited a few more weeks. But then what? My time in America was almost up anyways, and I was so tired from an emotional five months that a few weeks wouldn't have made that much of a difference. And my bed, oh my bed, looked so heavenly sitting there, taunting me to just lie down for a few seconds so it could take me away to Sleepville filled with endless hours of sleep in its blankets and pillows that looked like clouds, telling me I would have the best sleep I have had in 5 months.  But I couldn't.  I wasn't ready to sleep yet. Don't get me wrong I was aboslutely exhausted but I had a hestitation, almost an anxiety about crawling into that beautiful fluffy cloud that was my bed.  I wanted nothing more then to sleep, but the thought of being alone in my room almost scared me.  I had been around people for so long it was a scary thought to actually have my own room, my own space, my own everything.
My ears were ringing from the silence.  It was like being at a night club all night with the music pounding and you get home and your ears are ringing because it's so quiet (and this ringing stayed with me for days.)  I was so ... frustrated?...no that doesn't describe it...overwhelmed....I was overwhelmed with emotion and confusion and excitement that I really didn't know what to do with myself.  I wanted to call everyone and let them know I was home but when I talked to people it was almost like I didn't want to talk to them.  I was just so used to being around people that I didn't want to be alone but I didn't want to have to socialize either.  All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball next to Ryan and cry, but I didn't have that option anymore.  Ryan was there and I was here...another weird feeling I couldn't shake...this was the furthest we had been from eachother since the day we met.  So on top of being home after 5 months, having an emotional growth experience, saying goodbye to some of the best of friends I have made, feeling completely and utterly alone and wigged out about being back I couldn't even be with the person I was closest with.  What do I do?  I had only been in the door for 2 minutes and I was already feeling awful and ready to jump back on a plane and go back to the place I now considered home.
I cried for the first week I was back.  I felt akward and out of place.  I felt like I just didn't fit with anything or anyone or was it that they just didn't fit with me anymore?  I felt neutral, but depressed yet so different at the same time.  On top of everything I felt like the past five months was just a dream, like none of it ever happened!!!  I was back exactly where I was 5 months prior; after everything I experienced I was back to where I already had been and it felt awful.
It's almost two weeks that I have been home now and I am starting to feel better.  My eating habits are still way off, and sleeping and I are having arguments.  I want to be back on a regular schedule and sleep won't even wave at me till about 3am and when I do sleep it's filled with crazy dreams and I don't sleep through the night.  I'm back at work so I am trying to get myself back on a regular schedule but I'm still having a difficult time, infact night time is the hardest part of my day,  thats when I feel really lonely.
I've been doing a lot of thinking since I've been back (considering I'm up half the night I have a lot of time to think),  as much as I don't want to be home right now I do know this is where I am supposed to be at this point in time.  I need to be taking everything in that I have learned in the past 5 month, as well as thinking about all of you who made my trip what it was: Ellie - for being there and hearing my story with no judgement you are a great friend, Nathan - for driving me when I'm at my worst,  Rachy Rach - we became friends in 2 minutes but you were there when I needed a friend, Anthony - for giving me an opportunity that I never would've had and reminding me what it's like to be in a studio,  the Angels and Sparkle herself - I love you all, Steve - for opening up your home, Darren - my snoring roommate and calling everyone CUNTS with me, Emily - for all the rides and parties in Long Beach, Annie - my late night TV buddy, Garcia - our roomate who thought he was a Vampire, Bungalow Staff, Gino, Denis - for all your lifts to work, Capi, Dan, the staff at Mr. Pizza, Johnny - the shuffle gangster lol, Mikey Mike - for always being that familiar face and being there when your friends needed you, Tim and Alex and Slovania - we were friends for a short time but a good time ( we will always have the Viper Room), Luke - your one night stop overs in Cali were always a party, Amy and Kate - my two best girls that I can't wait to see again soon, Garth - Amy and Kate's wonderful brother who I met once but can't wait to see again, and to my family - Justin my brother, Dallas my best friend and male version of me and Ryan my heart and soul of California.
I miss you all so much and whether we met for 5 minutes, 5 hours or were friends the whole time I was there you all have a place in my heart for the time you were in my life in Cali.  I smile when I read my blogs or go through pictures, ya I'm sad to be home but I am so happy and for grateful  the time I got to spend with all of you in my short but very significant journey and I can't thank all of you with all my heart.
I'm not going to stop writing these blogs. I had a friend Alex (one of my roommates from the Bungalow) tell me to keep writing because the friends I met traveling still want to know what I am doing and where I am going so thats what I am going to do. Keep writing.  In fact to be honest, I'm almost addicted to writing them.  They have been a kind of therapy for me  the past few months and I wouldn't feel right not continuing. Plus it's my way of staying close to the ones I am far away from but also staying close with myself.
So now here I am back at home trying to get back into the swing of things.  Driving felt super akward, I felt like I shouldn't be driving I even got confused where things were.  I forgot where the glasses were in the kitchen, when I showered I was confused where the towels were and almost went to the front desk (which obviously we don't have) to ask for a towel, and felt really akward when getting a can of soda from the fridge and not having to despense any change.  It also smells different here, there is a sweetness to the air here and it's really quiet too, no traffic or police sirens. I do miss the hustle and bustle of people in a hostel, the accents of travelers and always making a new friend no matter what time of day, but I do love coming home having a tea and reading a book in my room on my cloud like bed.
 It scares me to think where I would be emotionally and mentally if I had never left and I'm still sad about being back, but I go through my blogs and pictures and smile because I am so thankful for the last five

five months. Instead of thinking "its been two weeks that I have been away from Cali" I think more along the lines of "it's two weeks closer to my next trip!"

See you soon!